Anyway... while being exhaustively frustrated, I decided to simply ask for prayer. It can be quite discouraging to go one night without sleep, but adding night upon night is almost maddening. The exhaustion is absolutely terrible, but I think the worst part is simply not being able to sleep. It gets all psychological and crazy when you're lying there thinking, 'everyone else can fall asleep, why am I not able to do this?' After all, sleep isn't something you should have to know how to do, you just do it. You just lay there, close your eyes, change positions a few times and there you go! But, if that doesn't happen, do you just close your eyes harder? Do you change positions 15 more times? Do you put a pillow over your head? Do you cry until your totally worn out? See what I mean? It is crazy to even have to think about it. Sometimes it will be a bout 4 or 5 nights in a row that I haven't slept and I just can't wait until the next night because I know I'm getting to the point where I'm so exhausted my body just crashes. It has only been 2 nights this run, but that doesn't mean it isn't completely overwhelming to even think of getting up with the girls and trying to be a fun and attentive mommy and a supportive wife. Not to mention all of the other things you want to do... with a joyful attitude. Yeah right.
I've heard and read so much about it and can't come up with any rock-solid answers or things to do differently. So please, unless you are a serious insomniac and have walked through this yourself (I'm talking about more than getting up to nurse babies, although I know that is tiring too), I'm just asking for prayer. I have prayed for the Lord to lift this burden repeatedly. He hasn't chosen to yet, and so I'm trying to find some meaning in it. It is a journey the Lord and I are on together. Sometimes I am very open to the Holy Spirit providing me strength and insight. Other times I'm just frustrated and very closed off to His voice. My prayer is that I would always be ready to hear what He has to say, regardless of the time, how tired I am, or what I think He should be doing for me. It is a process of sanctification, for sure.
So, having said all of that, here are a few prayer requests:
- To sleep... Through the entire night.
- If there's anything I need to change in my lifestyle, I would be aware of it and by His strength be able to change it.
- Even if I don't sleep, I would be a loving wife to Russ and a wonderful Mommy to my girls.
- I would allow this problem to sanctify me until the time comes when I don't struggle with it anymore.
- I would be open to whatever the Lord wants me to do while I'm awake at night rather than just laying there getting more frustrated (i.e. prayer, reading the word, etc...).
Proverbs 3:24 - "When you lie down, you will not be afraid; When you lie down, your sleep will be sweet."
Psalm 127:2 - "He grants sleep to those He loves."